I was going through some old files and found some things that I had written for some short-short-short story competition (stories less than 75 words) a number of years ago. There were some very dark ones which I won't subject you to, but these two brought a smile to my face. Hope you like them.
Giving Orders
There was something about his look that said he didn’t belong here. Making his way towards me, his scent and his gaze grew stronger. Standing in front of me, he told me in no uncertain terms exactly what he wanted. I froze. It took all my strength to utter, “You want fries with that?”
Like Trains That Pass In The Night
Rush hour. A hot, crowded subway car. Holding on to the pole bar, our sleeveless arms brush. Eyes darting, they meet briefly, look away, then flirt with a gaze. The train jolts to a stop, our arms brushing once more. She exits and the doors close. I will never see her again. Nor my wallet.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Getting Back At Telemarketers
So many amusing, funny, and not-so-funny things come through my e-mail, but this one is a real treat. It is a script, supposedly linked to a research study, that you can use when telemarketers call (access it here). I haven't tried it yet, but plan to as it will be a truly cathartic experience. Enjoy!
Monday, December 05, 2005
First Snow Of The Year
Yesterday was the first snow of the year here in NYC. It was only about 2 ½ inches, but it was the perfect consistency for snowballs and snowmen (excuse me, “snowpeople”). The fact that it was Sunday helped in that we didn’t have to commute anywhere and could enjoy the day.
Sam was at a birthday party, so Molly and I went out to play. I felt like I was Molly’s age rolling around in the snow and it reminded me of how exciting the first snow of winter was when I was her age. It was clean and ripe for eating as well, and we had a banquet of wet crystal flakes.
It was also a perfect mood enhancer. Having started to feel the heaviness of shorter, darker days recently and having it color my mood, waking up to a beautiful coating of white yesterday morning lifted my spirits and made me realize that it’s only 17 more days until the days start getting longer again.
Another girl, about a year or two younger than Molly, ganged up on me with Molly to pelt me with snowballs (as much as two little girls can “pelt”) and as a dutiful dad, I fell in the snow with great loud groans of “Ya got me.” We made a snow person and wrapped Molly’s scarf around its neck. Then we made the largest snowball I’ve ever seen – about 4 ½ feet in diameter upon which I boosted Molly so she could sit and take in the world from her frozen perch.
We were only out for less than hour, but it was a glorious way to welcome winter.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Wireless Amber Alerts
Cell phone carriers have banded together with law enforcement and other organizations to issue AMBER Alerts to cellphones as an SMS message free of charge. This is an excellent way to potentially save a child's life. There is no cost at all to the user. It only takes a minute to sign-up on line (follow this link) and you specify from one to five zip codes where you would like to receive alerts. This prevents you from receiving an AMBER Alert from Oregon if you live in North Carolina. You can specify more than one zip code if you spend time on a regular basis away from your home area.
I urge you to participate in this program.
I urge you to participate in this program.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Church Sign Generator
Stumbled across a great site that let's you generate real looking church signs with your choice of text. It's great fun and I've also added it to the list of fun links to the right.
Dave Freedman
I have come to appreciate the cathartic value of creating more frequent but briefer entries in a blog. After all, I live in NYC and encounter blog-worthy moments and observations on an almost daily basis. Consequently, I will make an attempt to thrill and delight my readers with frothy bits of blog.
Let's start by turning you on to my friend Dave Freedman's blog. Dave is one of the funniest people I know (he actually makes a living at it) and it is a darn shame that he lives in London.
Happy Turkey to everyone!!
Let's start by turning you on to my friend Dave Freedman's blog. Dave is one of the funniest people I know (he actually makes a living at it) and it is a darn shame that he lives in London.
Happy Turkey to everyone!!
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
The Comedy Festival in Las Vegas
I just returned from a 3-night trip to Las Vegas where I attended The Comedy Festival (TCF). TCF is an off-shoot of the US Comedy Arts Festival (USCAF) sponsored by HBO in Aspen every spring. One of the complaints about the USCAF is that it is expensive, in a cold locale, and geared primarily towards the entertainment industry. HBO and other sponsors, including AOL and TBS, decided to host a more consumer-oriented festival, hence TCF. This was the inaugural year.
When I first read about TCF, I knew I had to be there. As a comedy buff, the line-up of stars was very compelling. Add to that the fact that I love Vegas, and it was not a hard decision. I work hard and between job and family don't have much time to do things that I love.
All events were held at Caesar's Palace and The Flamingo which are right across the street from each other on the strip. Given that I knew I wouldn't be spending much time in my room, I opted for the less expensive Flamingo. Also suspecting that Delta Airlines may not be solvent much longer, I started working down my mileage balance by flying out in first class.
With many concurrent shows in the various venues of the two hotels, it was tough to pick the ones that I wanted. I ended up choosing a package of tickets, the benefits being that a) I would get better seats to the hot shows and b) the higher level packages included a private show with Jerry Seinfeld.
Flights were perfect and my room at the Flamingo was large and comfortable, but sparse and clean. At least it did not follow the theme I have found at other hotels on the strip such as Excalibur and Luxor where the rooms are so gaudy and the wallpaper so loud that you just can't wait to escape to the casino.
Thursday night was the opening of the festival which started with the live taping of "Earth To America", a two-hour special highlighting the need to stop global warming that aired on TBS this past Sunday night. It was chock full of great stars including, but not limited to, Larry David, Ray Romano, Bill Maher, Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Eric Idle, Jason Alexander, Ben Stiller, Dustin Hoffman, Leo DiCaprio, Jeffrey Tambor, and Cedric the Entertainer. There were pre-taped segments from Robin Williams, Kevin Nealon, Will Ferrell, Rob Corddry, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Martin Short, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. There was also a very special guest appearance by Apollo 13 commander Jim Lovell.
On my way to the show which was held in the Colosseum at Caesars', I inadvertently joined Cedric the Entertainer's "posse." As I came around a corner, I ended up walking into the middle of a pack of people in a hallway. I suspected something was afoot when I realized that there security guards at the front and back of the pack, and people started coming up to the guy walking in front of me asking for his autograph, as security and Cedric's Armani-clad personal bodyguards kept them at bay. Why didn't they bother me? Go figure.
With so many celebs in town for this event, it wasn't hard to bump into some of them. Consequently, I actually bumped into Fred Willard, and almost bumped into Robert Klein and George Wallace. I was also pulled out of a crowd to do a brief promo interview spot with Jeffrey Ross that may air on HBO.
Next that night was a double bill of Dave Attell and Lewis Black. They were both great and exactly what I expected. Lewis Black actually had to turn away from the audience a couple of times because he cracked himself up and God-forbid the audience see the curmudgeonly veneer crack.
By the time I got back to the Flamingo after midnight, I decided to try my hand at some gambling. In 5 minutes I was up $40 at video poker and intended to take my winnings and leave, especially as it was now 12:30AM (3:30AM on my East coast body clock). It wasn't to be. Prior to my leaving New York, my colleague Sean had told me about a game he thought I would enjoy - Pai Gow Poker. It is a table game combining Chinese Pai Gow with Poker. It moves very slowly and many hands push so it takes a while to lose one's money and you get drinks the whole time. It is also a friendly game as the 6 players play against the bank instead of each other. There is often much conversation and sharing of emotions at great wins and lousy losses. I sat down to try my luck and was seated next to a fellow that I soon realized thought he was Hunter S. Thompson. He had the whole picture - he was wearing a pith helmet, sunglasses, a Hawaiian shirt, and used a cigarette holder. Having seen Dr. Thompson lecture a few times in my life, I can say that he had it down pat, including the voice and mannerisms. When I turned and referred to him as "the good doctor" he practically squealed with delight as most people did not recognize what he was trying to achieve. Two hours flew by at the end of which I was up $60 so I took my leave and retreated to my room. By the time I crawled into bed it was 3:00AM (6:00AM on my body clock) and I had a hard time falling asleep. I slept a whole hour and a half before my body clock woke me up. I finally gave up trying to get back to sleep at about 6AM. This all reminded me of one of Ray Romano's jokes that night in which he mused that Las Vegas is the only place where you are likely to cancel a wake-up call because you haven't gone to bed yet.
Friday was a big day as I had 5 back-to-back shows that night and wanted to hit the concurrent comedy film festival as well, so I started gambling right after breakfast to make sure that I got in some Pai Gow Poker (sense a pattern here?). Played a few hours and got my winnings up to over $100 before I headed over to see a screening of the Jerry Seinfeld documentary "The Comedian." I highly recommend this film for anyone who seriously loves stand-up or wants to know more about the craft from a master professional. The screenings for the festival were held in two large rooms equipped with bean bag chairs in the front and couches in the back. Muy comfortable.
At 5:30PM, the shows commenced, starting with a taping of Dennis Miller's new HBO Comedy Hour (airing in January 2006), followed by the private Jerry Seinfeld performance (he went for 1 hour and 20 minutes!), The Rudy Casoni Show (a Sinatra-like Las Vegas lounge act that is a new HBO concept being tested), a George Lopez performance, and capping off the night an "Adults Only" show hosted by Bill Maher and featuring Jeffrey Ross, Gilbert Gottfried, and Dom Irera. With the last show ending at 2AM, I figured I should try and get some sleep and succeeded - 4 and a half hours that night!
I should mention that one of the great pleasures of this trip was the ability to sit and read the NY Times from front to back at breakfast each morning. This should tell you something about how pitiful my life is if that was a highlight! I should also mention that while the days of $2.99 breakfast buffets in Vegas have gone the way of the Dodo, $11.95 at The Flamingo does buy you every kind of breakfast food imaginable plus a sirloin carving station, a nacho bar, a pasta bar, full salad bar, and stuffed filet of flounder. I guess they are catering to those just coming in from the evening as well.
Saturday morning was spent again playing Pai Gow Poker (Yes, it's true. Aside from walking between the two hotels which are across the strip from each other, I did not see any daylight but hey - this is Vegas, baby!). In the afternoon I caught a program of short films before returning to my room to change for the evening. That's where I met Alice. I found Alice sitting on the floor in the elevator lobby. Her shoes were off and she was rummaging through her bag. I went over to see if I could render any assistance and was treated to the sight of a pretty, quite voluptuous, very drunken woman. Alice was so drunk that she had trouble speaking clearly - forget about standing or walking. She couldn't find her key or the card that told her what room she was in. I doubt that if there was an elephant in her bag she would have found it. I found out that she was there with friends and was able to get the name of the one to whom the room was registered, called the front desk on my cell phone, and asked for the room. Alice tried speaking to her friend but couldn't seem to hold the phone right-side-up or with the front facing her. I took the phone and explained the situation to her friend, offering to escort Alice. I was given the room number and we managed to get into the elevator and arrived at the appropriate floor. As you may know, Vegas strip hotels are huge and the walk from the elevator to the room took about 10 minutes, not including stumbles. Along the way I found out that Alice was a flight attendant for United and was there with 6 of her flight attendant girlfriends. They had hired an Elvis impersonator to come to their suite a bit later to do a private performance. Alice encouraged me to join her and her friends for the evening. A little devil appeared on one of my shoulders saying, "Are you kidding me?!?! Seven flight attendants - at least one of them drunk - and you're being invited to spend the evening with them!" The little angel on my other shoulder won out and I delivered Alice to her room safe and sound, though I am sure she became very famiiar with the toilet shortly thereafter.
Then it was off to the last night of comedy, starting with the awarding of "The Comedian" - the festival's first annual award to an artist who has most influenced and furthered the art of comedy. The recipient was Jerry Seinfeld and the event was a Q&A session moderated by CNN's Anderson Cooper and featuring - in addition to Jerry Seinfeld - Robert Klein, Chris Rock, and Garry Shandling. This event was probably the highlight of the weekend as the banter and stories from these four was pure gold. There was much good-natured joking around, but also a serious side as they spoke of the challenges of stand-up and the life of a comedian.
Next up was Jon Stewart, followed by a double-bill of Carlos Mencia (from Comedy Central's "Mind of Mencia") and Pablo Francisco. The audience for this was quite younger than all of the other shows I had attended, drawing a lot of locals. The evening was capped off by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog's "Poopalooza" featuring a bevy of guests including Penn & Teller, a Neil Diamond impersonator, Jon Stewart, and magician Lance Burton.
The show ended at 2AM at which point can you guess what I did until 4AM? Can you also guess what I did for a couple of hours Sunday morning before leaving for the airport. Overall for the weekend I was up $25. Not bad considering that I drank only for the cost of tips!
While there were shows that I'm sorry I had to miss such as Dane Cook and Dave Chappelle, I had an absolute blast. Being alone was never a problem as I met nice fun people at every turn. I'll be back next year for sure!
When I first read about TCF, I knew I had to be there. As a comedy buff, the line-up of stars was very compelling. Add to that the fact that I love Vegas, and it was not a hard decision. I work hard and between job and family don't have much time to do things that I love.
All events were held at Caesar's Palace and The Flamingo which are right across the street from each other on the strip. Given that I knew I wouldn't be spending much time in my room, I opted for the less expensive Flamingo. Also suspecting that Delta Airlines may not be solvent much longer, I started working down my mileage balance by flying out in first class.
With many concurrent shows in the various venues of the two hotels, it was tough to pick the ones that I wanted. I ended up choosing a package of tickets, the benefits being that a) I would get better seats to the hot shows and b) the higher level packages included a private show with Jerry Seinfeld.
Flights were perfect and my room at the Flamingo was large and comfortable, but sparse and clean. At least it did not follow the theme I have found at other hotels on the strip such as Excalibur and Luxor where the rooms are so gaudy and the wallpaper so loud that you just can't wait to escape to the casino.
Thursday night was the opening of the festival which started with the live taping of "Earth To America", a two-hour special highlighting the need to stop global warming that aired on TBS this past Sunday night. It was chock full of great stars including, but not limited to, Larry David, Ray Romano, Bill Maher, Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Eric Idle, Jason Alexander, Ben Stiller, Dustin Hoffman, Leo DiCaprio, Jeffrey Tambor, and Cedric the Entertainer. There were pre-taped segments from Robin Williams, Kevin Nealon, Will Ferrell, Rob Corddry, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Martin Short, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. There was also a very special guest appearance by Apollo 13 commander Jim Lovell.
On my way to the show which was held in the Colosseum at Caesars', I inadvertently joined Cedric the Entertainer's "posse." As I came around a corner, I ended up walking into the middle of a pack of people in a hallway. I suspected something was afoot when I realized that there security guards at the front and back of the pack, and people started coming up to the guy walking in front of me asking for his autograph, as security and Cedric's Armani-clad personal bodyguards kept them at bay. Why didn't they bother me? Go figure.
With so many celebs in town for this event, it wasn't hard to bump into some of them. Consequently, I actually bumped into Fred Willard, and almost bumped into Robert Klein and George Wallace. I was also pulled out of a crowd to do a brief promo interview spot with Jeffrey Ross that may air on HBO.
Next that night was a double bill of Dave Attell and Lewis Black. They were both great and exactly what I expected. Lewis Black actually had to turn away from the audience a couple of times because he cracked himself up and God-forbid the audience see the curmudgeonly veneer crack.
By the time I got back to the Flamingo after midnight, I decided to try my hand at some gambling. In 5 minutes I was up $40 at video poker and intended to take my winnings and leave, especially as it was now 12:30AM (3:30AM on my East coast body clock). It wasn't to be. Prior to my leaving New York, my colleague Sean had told me about a game he thought I would enjoy - Pai Gow Poker. It is a table game combining Chinese Pai Gow with Poker. It moves very slowly and many hands push so it takes a while to lose one's money and you get drinks the whole time. It is also a friendly game as the 6 players play against the bank instead of each other. There is often much conversation and sharing of emotions at great wins and lousy losses. I sat down to try my luck and was seated next to a fellow that I soon realized thought he was Hunter S. Thompson. He had the whole picture - he was wearing a pith helmet, sunglasses, a Hawaiian shirt, and used a cigarette holder. Having seen Dr. Thompson lecture a few times in my life, I can say that he had it down pat, including the voice and mannerisms. When I turned and referred to him as "the good doctor" he practically squealed with delight as most people did not recognize what he was trying to achieve. Two hours flew by at the end of which I was up $60 so I took my leave and retreated to my room. By the time I crawled into bed it was 3:00AM (6:00AM on my body clock) and I had a hard time falling asleep. I slept a whole hour and a half before my body clock woke me up. I finally gave up trying to get back to sleep at about 6AM. This all reminded me of one of Ray Romano's jokes that night in which he mused that Las Vegas is the only place where you are likely to cancel a wake-up call because you haven't gone to bed yet.
Friday was a big day as I had 5 back-to-back shows that night and wanted to hit the concurrent comedy film festival as well, so I started gambling right after breakfast to make sure that I got in some Pai Gow Poker (sense a pattern here?). Played a few hours and got my winnings up to over $100 before I headed over to see a screening of the Jerry Seinfeld documentary "The Comedian." I highly recommend this film for anyone who seriously loves stand-up or wants to know more about the craft from a master professional. The screenings for the festival were held in two large rooms equipped with bean bag chairs in the front and couches in the back. Muy comfortable.
At 5:30PM, the shows commenced, starting with a taping of Dennis Miller's new HBO Comedy Hour (airing in January 2006), followed by the private Jerry Seinfeld performance (he went for 1 hour and 20 minutes!), The Rudy Casoni Show (a Sinatra-like Las Vegas lounge act that is a new HBO concept being tested), a George Lopez performance, and capping off the night an "Adults Only" show hosted by Bill Maher and featuring Jeffrey Ross, Gilbert Gottfried, and Dom Irera. With the last show ending at 2AM, I figured I should try and get some sleep and succeeded - 4 and a half hours that night!
I should mention that one of the great pleasures of this trip was the ability to sit and read the NY Times from front to back at breakfast each morning. This should tell you something about how pitiful my life is if that was a highlight! I should also mention that while the days of $2.99 breakfast buffets in Vegas have gone the way of the Dodo, $11.95 at The Flamingo does buy you every kind of breakfast food imaginable plus a sirloin carving station, a nacho bar, a pasta bar, full salad bar, and stuffed filet of flounder. I guess they are catering to those just coming in from the evening as well.
Saturday morning was spent again playing Pai Gow Poker (Yes, it's true. Aside from walking between the two hotels which are across the strip from each other, I did not see any daylight but hey - this is Vegas, baby!). In the afternoon I caught a program of short films before returning to my room to change for the evening. That's where I met Alice. I found Alice sitting on the floor in the elevator lobby. Her shoes were off and she was rummaging through her bag. I went over to see if I could render any assistance and was treated to the sight of a pretty, quite voluptuous, very drunken woman. Alice was so drunk that she had trouble speaking clearly - forget about standing or walking. She couldn't find her key or the card that told her what room she was in. I doubt that if there was an elephant in her bag she would have found it. I found out that she was there with friends and was able to get the name of the one to whom the room was registered, called the front desk on my cell phone, and asked for the room. Alice tried speaking to her friend but couldn't seem to hold the phone right-side-up or with the front facing her. I took the phone and explained the situation to her friend, offering to escort Alice. I was given the room number and we managed to get into the elevator and arrived at the appropriate floor. As you may know, Vegas strip hotels are huge and the walk from the elevator to the room took about 10 minutes, not including stumbles. Along the way I found out that Alice was a flight attendant for United and was there with 6 of her flight attendant girlfriends. They had hired an Elvis impersonator to come to their suite a bit later to do a private performance. Alice encouraged me to join her and her friends for the evening. A little devil appeared on one of my shoulders saying, "Are you kidding me?!?! Seven flight attendants - at least one of them drunk - and you're being invited to spend the evening with them!" The little angel on my other shoulder won out and I delivered Alice to her room safe and sound, though I am sure she became very famiiar with the toilet shortly thereafter.
Then it was off to the last night of comedy, starting with the awarding of "The Comedian" - the festival's first annual award to an artist who has most influenced and furthered the art of comedy. The recipient was Jerry Seinfeld and the event was a Q&A session moderated by CNN's Anderson Cooper and featuring - in addition to Jerry Seinfeld - Robert Klein, Chris Rock, and Garry Shandling. This event was probably the highlight of the weekend as the banter and stories from these four was pure gold. There was much good-natured joking around, but also a serious side as they spoke of the challenges of stand-up and the life of a comedian.
Next up was Jon Stewart, followed by a double-bill of Carlos Mencia (from Comedy Central's "Mind of Mencia") and Pablo Francisco. The audience for this was quite younger than all of the other shows I had attended, drawing a lot of locals. The evening was capped off by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog's "Poopalooza" featuring a bevy of guests including Penn & Teller, a Neil Diamond impersonator, Jon Stewart, and magician Lance Burton.
The show ended at 2AM at which point can you guess what I did until 4AM? Can you also guess what I did for a couple of hours Sunday morning before leaving for the airport. Overall for the weekend I was up $25. Not bad considering that I drank only for the cost of tips!
While there were shows that I'm sorry I had to miss such as Dane Cook and Dave Chappelle, I had an absolute blast. Being alone was never a problem as I met nice fun people at every turn. I'll be back next year for sure!
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