The Downside of the Holidays

Now I don't mean to sound Scrooge-like, but hear me out.

I love the holidays.
I love the holidays in New York.
I love tourists because I enjoy sharing the city I adore with others and appreciate what they do for our economy.
I don't like tourists during the holidays.

It's not that I don't like them. It's just that as someone who has to walk through the theater district going to and from work, the heavy influx of tourists at this time of year who don't understand how to navigate our streets frustrates the crap out of me as I'm trying to make my way. I have, therefore, come up with the following tips for tourists in New York at the holidays:

1. Unless you're from the UK, a current or former British colony, or Japan - stay to the right. I can understand if you're from one of the previously mentioned locales and your natural instinct is to stay left, but for the other 96% of you - stay to the right! It will make walking on busy streets much easier.

2. Unless you're dressed like Marilyn Monroe (which you're not) or wearing spike heels (most of you are in sneakers), it's okay to walk on subway and transformer grates.

3. Eyes front while walking. This means:

• Don't look at your map while walking;
• Don't look up at the lights or tall buildings while you're walking;
• Don't use your camera while walking. You will end up with someone giving your lens the bird.

If you want to do any of the above things, stop and pull over to the side.

4. Don't walk more than two or three abreast on the sidewalk. Otherwise, we will think of you as bowling pins and go for the strike. Or at least a 7 - 10 split.

5. If you must pose for a picture and are shooting across a crowded busy sidewalk, most people will stop or walk around you - ONLY if you don't take too long to pose or set up the camera. Otherwise your portrait will be marred by several passing faces in profile, some again giving your lens the bird.

6. The Olive Garden, Red Lobster, and TGI Fridays do NOT represent New York cuisine. You will never find New Yorkers there as patrons. These establishments exist in New York purely for your convenience should you get homesick.

7. We understand that you don't jay-walk, but please don't huddle up at the corner waiting for the light to change, blocking all access to the street. Jay-walking is a New Yorker's God-given right. Unless you too have the innate ability to triangulate the velocity of an oncoming taxi with the proximity to your kneecaps, move aside so we can finish crossing safely.

8. Just because you bought an NYPD or FDNY hat, doesn't mean we will assume you're a cop or firefighter. This is especially true when your buddy is wearing a shirt that says "FBI (Female Body Inspector)."

We don't mean to be rude. We know you're here to soak it all in, to enjoy the many sights and activities our fair city has to offer. We're happy to have you here. We also understand that you walk slowly.

It's just that we don't.

When you see someone walking purposefully with no hint of map or camera in hand and seemingly un-phased by all the bright lights, PLEASE just move out of the way so we can get about our business. Everyone will have a better holiday.